The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 123 transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 15 2nds 'til curtain, Miss (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter, I'll be with you, Kermit, Fozzie and the others in a jiffy." Scooter: "Oh good." Guest Star: "And by the way, Scooter, be sure to be on the look out for killer wasps." Scooter: "You got it." Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo......... Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show ''with our very special guest star, Miss Meryl Streep, yaaaaaay!" [''The All-New Muppet Show Theme Music In Background] Rowlf: On Piano Keys Music In Background Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music it's time to light the lights it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up it's time to dress up right it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show Sounds Scene 1: Onstage Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, that's exactly right, tonight's a super special night 'cause tonight's special guest star is Miss (Guest Star's Name), but 1st, we have an opening musical number." Gonzo: "Hey, Kermit, just for you to know, there's a lot of killer wasps in the wasp box and you need to be super careful not to get stung by any of them." Kermit: "Oh good, Gonzo, thanks a bunch for telling me that." Gonzo: "You're welcome." Kermit: "Anyway, here's Fozzie and Scooter for the opening musical number." Opening musical number: Hey Jude Rowlf: On Piano Keys Fozzie: Hey Jude don't make it bad take a sad song '' ''and make it better remember '' ''to let her into your heart then you can start '' ''to make it better Scooter: hey Jude don't be afraid you were made to '' ''go out and get her the minute '' ''you let her under your skin then you begin '' ''to make it better Fozzie: and anytime '' ''you feel the pain '' ''hey Jude refrain' don't carry the world '' ''upon your shoulders Scooter: for well you know '' ''that it's a fool '' ''who plays it cool by making his world '' ''a little colder Fozzie and Scooter: la, di, da, dum, dee, da, dee, dum Rowlf: Playing On Piano Keys Fozzie: hey Jude '' ''don't let me down you have found her now go and get her Scooter: let it out and let it in hey Jude Fozzie: remember '' ''to let her '' ''into your heart then you can start to make it better Scooter: so let it out '' ''and let it in '' ''hey Jude '' ''begin you're waiting for someone to perform with Fozzie: and don't you know '' ''that it's just you '' ''hey Jude '' ''you'll do the movement you need is '' ''on your shoulder Fozzie and Scooter: la, di, da, dum, dee, da, dee, dum Scooter: hey Jude '' ''don't make it bad take a sad song and make it better Fozzie: remember to let her under your skin then you'll begin '' ''to make it better Scooter: better Fozzie: better Scooter: better Fozzie: better Scooter: better Fozzie: "Whoa!" Fozzie and Scooter: la, di, da, dum, di, da, dum, di la, di, dum, di hey Jude la, di, da, dum, di, da, dum, di la, di, dum, di hey Jude......... Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony....... Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I collected lots of Beatles merchandise in my younger years." Statler: "And I collected jazz music myself lately." Waldorf: "Then you're the musical collector!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage.......... Kermit: "Let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list.) oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody." Bear on Patrol sketch number: Breaking a window Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Okay, nice and easy, just a few more steps, okay, (he sits Goggles right on the blue stool.) perfect." Goggles: "But I didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't even me." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What's the trouble this time, Patrol Bear?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This little green toad has been caught breaking a window by throwing a Frisbee at it." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "I see, well, tell me your name, please." Goggles: "I'm Goggles, and I'm innocent, I would never throw a Frisbee at a window, otherwise they'd call me a criminal toad." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob checks the innocent list and finds Goggles' name written on here. Link Hogthrob: "Well, Goggles, it looks like your innocent after all, you can let him go right now, Patrol Bear." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob, sir." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Statler: "I used to patrol city streets from robberies in my younger years." Waldorf: "It's a super good thing there are no street burglars out there." Statler: "Why's that?" Waldorf: "For playing it super safe and secure!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Talk Spot Kermit: "So, (Guest Star's 1st name), what do you like to do on Friday evenings?" Guest Star: "Well, Kermit, I like going out to karaoke dance off parties, playing miniature golf and playing bingo games." Kermit: "Well, I like going bowling and going to sing along craft parties and holiday house parties myself." Guest Star: "That sounds like lots of super fun and excitement." Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Skeeter, Walter, Bean, Gloria Estefan, Rizzo, Clifford, Lips, Flash, Twitch, Dr. Teeth, Janice, Floyd, Zoot, Animal, Sam, Lew Zealand, Crazy Harry, Croaker, Goggles, Blotch, Doris, Mulch, Pepe, Johnny, Sal and Polly Lobster are running around in fear of killer wasps. Miss Piggy: "Gangway!" Fozzie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Gonzo: "Run away for your entire lives!" Guest Star: "Hey, you guys, what's going on around here?" Kermit: "What's with the screaming in fear and running around?" Scooter: "Here come the killer wasps!" Skeeter: "Look out for the killer wasps!" Walter: "Don't let them sting us!" Bean: "Please don't sting me, please don't sting me!" Gloria Estefan: "I don't wanna get stung on my beak!" Rizzo: "Sting somebody, killa wasps, anybody, but just not de rat, please!" Clifford: "Hurry, everybody, let's get outta here!" Lips: "Let's go!" Flash: "Find a cheerful place, find a cheerful place!" Twitch: "Let's hide in the basement!" Dr. Teeth: "Good idea, Twitch!" Janice: "To the basement we go!" Floyd: "We'll be super safe down there!" Zoot: "To the basement!" Animal: "Basement, basement!" Sam: "Those killer wasps must get outta this theater this instant!" Lew Zealand: "Sounds good to me." Crazy Harry: "Me too." Croaker: "Me 3." Goggles: "Me 4." Blotch: "Me 5." Doris: "Me 6." Mulch: "Me 7." Pepe: "Me ocho." Johnny: "Me 9." Sal: "Me 10." Polly Lobster: "Me 11." The Swedish Chef sketch number: Gingerbread People Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tunight, it's time tu meke und beke geengerbreed peuple." Swedish Chef: "Furst, preheet zee oofee tu three-a hoondred und feefty degrees Fehrenheet." The Swedish Chef preheats the kitchen oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Swedish Chef: "Get oot a lerge meexing bool." The Swedish Chef gets out a largemixing bowl and pours the Betty Crocker gingerbread cookie mix right into it. Swedish Chef: "Poot in oone coop oof pecked broon sooger," The Swedish Chef puts 1 cup of packed brown sugar right into the Betty Crocker gingerbread cookie mix. Swedish Chef: "oone thurd coop oof shurtening," The Swedish Chef puts 1/3 cup of shortening right into the Betty Crocker gingerbread cookie mix. Swedish Chef: "oone und a helf coops oof derk mulesses," The Swedish Chef puts 1 and 1/2 cups of dark molasses right into the Betty Crocker gingerbread cookie mix. Swedish Chef: "tvu thurd coops ooff culd veter," The Swedish Chef puts 2/3 cups of cold water right into the Betty Crocker gingerbread cookie mix. Swedish Chef: "tvu teespuns oof bekeeng suda," The Swedish Chef puts 2 teaspoons of baking soda right into the Betty Crocker gingerbread cookie mix. Swedish Chef: "tvu teespuuns oof gruoond geenger," The Swedish Chef puts 2 teaspoons of ground ginger right into the Betty Crocker gingerbread cookie mix. Swedish Chef: "oone teespun oof gruoond ellspeece," The Swedish Chef puts 1 teaspoon of ground allspice right into the Betty Crocker gingerbread cookie mix. Swedish Chef: "oone teepsun oof gruooond ceennemun," The Swedish Chef puts 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon right into the Betty Crocker gingerbread cookie mix. Swedish Chef: "oone teespun oof gruoond clufes," The Swedish Chef puts 1 teaspoon of ground cloves right into the Betty Crocker gingerbread cookie mix. Swedish Chef: "und lest boot nut leest, oone helff teespun oof selt." The Swedish Chef puts 1/2 teaspoon of salt right into the Betty Crocker gingerbread cookie mix. Swedish Chef: "Und noo, let's meex up zee ingredeeents." The Swedish Chef mixes up the ingredients and it becomes gingerbread cookie dough, then the puts some all-purpose flour on the baking tray, then cuts out an entire gingerbread family: a gingerbread man, a gingerbread woman, a gingerbread boy and a gingerbread girl and bakes them in the kitchen oven for 10 minutes. Timer Beeping The Swedish Chef puts on his oven mitts and takes the gingerbread people outta the kitchen oven and puts them on the cooling rack for them to cool down for 30 minutes. Timer Beeping Again The Swedish Chef puts many different rainbow colored icings on the gingerbread people and puts wonderful faces on them as well. Swedish Chef: "Und zeere ve-a hef zeem, geengerbreed peuple." The gingerbread people suddenly come to life. Gingerbread Man: "Come on, you 2, let's head for the cookie jar." Gingerbread Boy: "Okay, Mom and Dad," Gingerbread Girl: "We're coming along with both of you." Gingerbread Woman: "Oh good, 'cause I don't wanna go through being eaten alive again." Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again..... Waldorf: "I remember making gingerbread houses during the winter holiday seasons." Statler: "And I remember selling gingerbread cakes at a church yard sale." Waldorf: "The sweet loving smell of gingerbread success!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Muppet News Flash: A drowsy windstorm Newsman (off screen): "Here's a Muppet News Flash." The Newsman sits right at his desk. Newsman: "This just it, a drowsy windstorm has just been kicking up, and it's making everybody extremely tired and causing them to fall asleep." The drowsy windstorm comes by and the Newsman begins getting extremely tired and falls asleep right at his desk. Newsman: Lightly Pigs in Space sketch number: Petrification Gun Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Well, Link, there goes Dr. Strangepork again." Link Hogthrob: "I know, 1st Mate, Piggy, it's gonna be another 1 of his inventions." Dr. Strangepork: "Check this out, you guys, it's my new invention: the Petrification Gun." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What exactly does it do, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "It petrifies whatever's moving around, all I do is push this little red button here, and-" Dr. Strangepork pushes the little red button and it turns Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy and Link Hogthrob into stone statues. Dr. Strangepork: "there you have it, what do you think about it, you guys? (he suddenly notices that Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy and Link Hogthrob are now stone solid) oh my word, you guys are stone solid, but don't worry about it, I know just what to do to reverse you guys back to your original selves again." Dr. Strangepork pushes the little green button and it reverses Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy and Link Hogthrob back to their original selves again. Miss PIggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Finally," Link Hogthrob: "we're back to our original selves again." Dr. Strangepork: "I always knew my invention was gonna work just right." Announcer: "Will Dr. Strangepork's inventions always work just right? does 1st Mate Piggy know what she's doing? will Link Hogthrob ever find out what's happening in outer space? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Statler: "I sure wish I had a petrification weapon myself." Waldorf: "Why's that, Statler?" Statler: "So that I'' can ''petrify the entire audience!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........ Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Johnny as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack whose gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And just as I was walking along, I saw a ladybug, and when it flew around, it landed right on my nose, it was just the right spot for it." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your ladybug jokes." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So who's the patient this time, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice, observe and watch." Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the corner of the green quilt to reveal Johnny as the patient. Johnny: A Bit "My aching arms and elbows." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh my goodness, Johnny, what just happened to you here?" Johnny: "I got these terrible aches and pains in my arms and elbows and they're driving me super crazy." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Well, Johnny, that's like, you all over." Announcer: "Will Nurse Janice ever keep things in order? does Nurse Piggy ever see herself on posters? will Dr. Bob ever keep up with his patients? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Janice say-" Janice/Nurse Janice: "So what do you think this patient needs, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Janice, I say that he needs a nice dosage of pain killer pills." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......... Waldorf: "I used to have ankle surgeries myself." Statler: "And I used to be able to give my next door neighbor CPR." Waldorf: "Then that makes you the genius of medications!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again......... Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: Ultimate Powerful Growth Potion Ticking Labs Theme Music In Background Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today, that's exactly right, we're testing out our new creation: the Ultimate Powerful Growth Potion." (Brief pause) Bunsen: "Have you ever wished to make everything grow super big? well, the Ultimate Powerful Growth Potion is just the solution, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, (he turns right over to where Beaker is standing.) go ahead there, Beaker, take 1 sip of it." Beaker: "Mee, mee." Beaker takes 1 sip of the Ultimate Powerful Growth Potion Bunsen: "Observe and watch what happens." Beaker suddenly begins growing super big. Super Big Beaker: And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, you look super big than you were before." (Another brief pause) Bunsen: "Well unfortunately, that's all the time we have for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Statler: "Beaker's looking super big out there." Waldorf: "He's much bigger than a coffee table." Statler: "The universe isn't bigger than he could simply be!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage......... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, it's time for the closing musical number." Closing musical number: Don't Go Breaking my Heart In Background Miss Piggy: Don't go breakin' my heart Kermit: I couldn't if I tried Miss Piggy: oh honey if I get restless Kermit: baby you're not that kind Miss Piggy: don't go breakin' my heart Kermit: you took the weight off of me Miss Piggy: oh honey when you knock on my door Kermit: I gave you my key Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-hoo nobody knows it Miss Piggy: when I was down Kermit: I was your clown Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-ho nobody knows it Miss Piggy: nobody knoooows Miss Piggy: right from the start Kermit: I gave you my heart ohhhhh I gave you my heart Continues On Karaoke Machine Miss Piggy: so don't go breakin' my heart Kermit: I won't go breakin' your heart Miss Piggy: don't go breakin' my heart Continues Again Miss Piggy: and nobody told us Kermit: `cause nobody showed us Miss Piggy: and now it's up to us babe I think we can make it so don't misunderstand me Kermit: you put the light in my life Miss Piggy: you put the sparks to the flame Kermit: I got your heart in my sights Kermit and Miss Piggy: Whoo-hoo nobody knows it Miss Piggy: when I was down Kermit: I was your clown Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-hoo nobody knows it Miss Piggy: right from the start Kermit: I gave you my heart oh, oh I gave you my heart Miss Piggy: don't go breakin' my heart Kermit: I won't go breakin' your heart Miss Piggy: don't go breakin' my heart Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-hoo nobody knows it Miss Piggy: but when I was down Kermit: I was your clown Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-ho nobody knows it Miss Piggy: nobody knoooows Miss Piggy: right from the star''t Kermit: ''I gave you my heart oh, oh I gave you my heart Miss Piggy: don't go breakin' my heart Kermit: I won't go breakin' your heart Miss Piggy: don't go breakin' my heart Kermit: I won't go breakin' your heart Miss Piggy: don't go breakin' my heart Kermit: I won't go breakin' your heart Miss Piggy: don't go breakin' my heart Kermit: I won't go breakin' your heart Ends Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again....... Waldorf: "I remember that 1 time when Elton John was on the original classic show and he and Piggy sang that song together as always." Statler: "It was way back on Saturday, February 4, 1978." Waldorf: "Live up the classic memories!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming the Guest Star Kermit: "Thanks a bunch, everybody, you were all such a super good audience this evening, I really appreciate it and so does my super good friends, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm round of applause for Miss (Guest Star's name), yaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives out onstage. Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, you guys, I really enjoy being on the show with all of you." Sweetums: "Hey, Kermit, guys, guess what? the killer wasps are no longer in the Muppet Theater." Kermit: "Oh good, Sweetums, (he turns right over to the entire audience.) we'll see you next time on The All-New Muppet Show." End Production Credits Directed by James Bobbin '' ''Produced by Nicholas Stollar Music composed by Christophe Beck Voice Performers Credits Matt Vogel '' ''Eric Jacobson '' ''Dave Goelz '' ''Peter Linz Bill Barretta '' ''David Rudman '' ''Brian Henson '' ''Jennifer Barnhart '' ''Raymond Carr '' ''Ryan Dillon '' ''Tyler Bunch '' ''Stephanie D'Abruzzo '' ''John Tartaglia '' ''John E. Kennedy '' ''Julianne Buescher Alice Dinnean Vernon Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once more.......... Waldorf: "So, Statler, now that this show's over, let's hit the road." Statler: "Good thinking, Waldorf, 'cause we need to get on down to Camp Lucky Duck to relax ourselves." Waldorf: "Don't let the mosquitos bite you!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once MoreCategory:The All-New Muppet Show season 1 transcripts